On one hand, I get it. Who would want to deal with this? Who
would want a friend that gives fatigued half-replies when you need them, is
never able to meet up with you spontaneously, is too anxious or tired to have
facetime or phone calls? Who would want a friendship as tiring as ours,
especially when you have your own fights and battles occurring? If you don't
want to talk to me for a while to focus on your own issues, or just to unwind
and be alone for a while, you are entirely valid and you don't have to justify
that to me.
On the other hand, some of you hurt me.
You hurt me by leaving me when I needed you most. You hurt me
by making me feel like my conditions are worse for you to witness with than
they are for me to live with every day of my life. You hurt me by making me
feel alone, different, and excluded when all I wanted was to feel included and
just the same as everybody else.
Maybe I should specify; if you went about it in a negative
way, you hurt me. To the friend who told me after 6 years that we were going in
different directions in life because I couldn’t get a job, and that you never
wanted to speak to me again because of that, you hurt me. Our friendship was
never based on my employment and that should have never come into the equation.
To the friend who told me I’m never around anymore and I’m no fun when I am,
you hurt me. The day you told me I would never be loved if I ‘carried on like
this’, I realised who you really were.
Ultimately however, I thank you.
I thank those of you who went about leaving with human
decency, for being honest with yourself and with me, and for admitting that
your own issues are the priority for you, as they should be. I thank you for
taking time away from me to focus on yourself and work on your own health. I
thank those of you who went about it in a negative way, for revealing your true
colours to me. Thank you for not wasting my time any longer. Thank you for not
pretending anymore.
Finally, I thank those of you who never left. Those of you who
are still here, watching the chaos of my life unfold and offering a helping
hand, even if it's just a quick "Hey, how are you doing?". I will be
eternally grateful for those of you who try, as well as those who tried and
couldn't handle it. You all help me to feel a little more human whilst I go
through things that make me feel so alone.